The Book of Bullshit

I’m fresh out of a screening of The Book of Eli, which follows a lone hero through post-apocalypse America and blah-blah cliché bleak landscapes and washed-out cinematography etc. etc. The big hook in this particular future fallout fable is that the dude Eli (Denzel Washington) has been marching for 30 years in search of a home for the world’s last Bible.

I’m going to let that sink in for a moment. The sheer absurdity of the premise.

It’s explained away in the film as a throwaway line. Folks blamed nuclear armageddon on the Bible, so everyone started burning all the Bibles in the world. Nevermind that some folks would never burn their Bibles. Nevermind that every single hotel and motel in the United States contains one in every room. Nevermind that there are more Bibles in the world than people. It would be impossible to do prior to an apocalypse, much less after. Somehow, through famine, fighting and fallout the human race has managed to prioritize the eradication of every dang Bible in existence. Except this one.

Naturally, Gary Oldman plays a scene-chewing dickweed villain in this scenario. Oldman’s Carnegie is the ringleader of a wasteland town who is desperately searching for a Bible due to the power of its words over people. See, he could vastly expand his control and influence if he had the words behind him, because people totally ate that shit up before the bombs dropped.

So eventually hero meets villain and hilarity ensues. And somehow Mila Kunis appears in the film as 27-year old slave Solara. In designer jeans with manicured eyebrows. Acting not the downtrodden survivor in this unforgiving shithole of a world, but more the sassy, entitled princess. Because there just haven’t been enough of those in pictures lately.

Aside from Ms. Kunis’ miscasting, the performances are not bad in this film. Denzel Washington is convincing, Gary Oldman is a pro and Ray Stevenson is always watchable, this time as Carnegie’s right-hand man Redridge. And there are some fun moments of whupassery courtesy of Denzel’s wandering kung-fu apostle. But nothing could save this film from its preposterous premise and plodding plot. Not even the “big twist” at the end, for those of you who love them big ol’ twists.

Here are some twists for you: Rosebud is a sled, Kevin Spacey is Keyser Soze, and this movie blew.